To me, the perspectives of both younger people and the older generation make sense, but they do not always meet in the middle. One prioritises individual comfort while the other prioritises connection.
Both are valid, yet each can miss the other’s point.
Younger people are more heavily influenced by evolving ideas of privacy and autonomy, while the older generations are shaped by longstanding practices in which questions about marriage, children and life milestones are simply part of extended family catch-ups.
This is why every year, whether it’s Chinese New Year, Hari Raya or Deepavali, the same familiar questions tend to come out without fail when you’re catching up with relatives you see only on these yearly occasions.
DRAWING BOUNDARIES GENTLY
This dichotomy raises a curious question: How do we respond in a way that respects both boundaries and connection?
To me, this is where intention matters.
If someone is asking from a place of comparison, pressure or thinly-veiled criticism, then yes, shut it down gently. You do not owe anyone access to your personal life just because it is a festive occasion.
But I’m not telling you to throw your songkok or any other kind of hat into the ring and go to battle.
Instead of defensiveness, try a gentler deflection. Is there a way you can find some humour in the exchange, to respond to their perhaps misguided attempt to connect rather than cut them off? Ask them about their life, their work, their kids – and steer clear of questions you would not want to be asked yourself.
The deflection method works wonders. It keeps the mood light, protects your privacy and still lets you stay in control without tension.
Or if you’d rather not go into it, my husband’s fail-proof approach is to give non-committal responses: “Life is good. Kids are good. I’m good.”
This satisfies curiosity without giving away too much, but if I’m being honest, I haven’t yet mastered the art of it myself.
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