A guide to visiting London for clueless tourists

7. Avoid the tourist cruises

A sightseeing cruise on the Thames sounds great. But you can save your money by taking the public transport equivalent, otherwise known as the Thames Clipper. They may not provide rip-off afternoon tea, but they do have a bar. 

8.Watch out for cyclists

Modern London is a cycling city. The vast majority of riders dutifully stay off the pavement – and thus deserve consideration when it comes to the roads. Always check before crossing, and watch out in particular for cycle highways.

9. Don’t bank on a (good) hotel breakfast

With some exceptions, breakfast isn’t a selling point for London hotels. Even higher-end options will often charge extra and still under-deliver. Save your money for a decent brunch, or do what locals do and go to Greggs.

10. Ignore anything advertised on a flyer

Generally speaking, nothing decent in London gets advertised using flyers. If you’re handed one, you can pretty much ignore it. Persistent offenders include tourist-trap comedy clubs, low-quality suit sales by Russell Square, and the Church of Scientology.

11. Be smart about theatre tickets

The West End is one of the best things about London. But prices can be astronomical and don’t always make sense. Use apps such as TodayTix to get better prices, or try Monday nights and midweek matinees, when demand is lower.

12. Don’t bother with travelcards

Rather than buying a travel pass or Oyster card, just use your card or phone to swipe through the Tube gates. You’ll pay the full fare for the first journey, but will never pay more than a travelcard. Unlike a lot of things with London transport, it actually makes sense.

13. Watch out for protests 

For umpteen reasons, London is highly prone to occasional noisy protests. While they don’t generally pose a danger to tourists, police will often block roads to control crowds. Read ahead and check if anything is planned.

14. Avoid the local ‘wildlife’

There are few sillier ideas in Hyde Park than trying to feed the squirrels. Feeding the pigeons in Leicester Square, meanwhile, can land you with a hefty fine. 

15. Prepare to apologise (but not really mean it)

British politeness is highly ritualistic. If you step out in front of someone, they will say “sorry” – but they will also expect to hear it back. Be prepared to smile politely and apologise at all times. If anyone really annoys you, just tut – it will hurt them more than a dressing down.

16. Stand on the right on escalators

While it might seem obvious, cities of 10 million people don’t just run on good fortune. There are careful rules in place and one of them is to avoid blocking the left side of any escalator. If you decide to break the rule, expect a chorus of tuts. 

17. Adjust your expectations after 11pm

Any Londoner knows how hard it can be to find decent hospitality past 11pm. For all the pretence of being a 24-hour city, most places shut annoyingly early. If you want a nice spot after midnight in the West End, try the Hippodrome Casino.

18. Be smart about bags and luggage

Space is at a premium in London. While carrying your luggage is inevitable when arriving, try to avoid rush-hour trains. Many places don’t have cloakrooms either. So don’t go straight from a shopping trip to the theatre.

19. Go beyond the obvious places

Most of us can rattle off the stereotypical London itinerary by heart. But there are lots of amazing spots that most tourists miss. Middle Temple is incredible and historic, for example, and just a short walk from St Paul’s.