Anxious About Family Mealtimes? Serve a Buffet

[In NYT Cooking: 19 kid-friendly dishes that can be ready in 30 minutes.]

Family-style meals can also help relieve tensions for parents who worry that their children are eating too much, or too much of certain foods. “Letting kids serve themselves gets you away from that underlying motive of, ‘I want to get my kid to eat less of this and more of that,’” said Katja Rowell, M.D., a family physician and childhood feeding specialist.

When kids prone to food fixations are allowed to take as much as they want, they can stop operating from what’s known as a “scarcity mind-set,” where they feel compelled to take as much food as possible anytime they get the chance. Instead, they can start to listen to their internal hunger and fullness cues.

Of course, manners are also a factor, but that would need to come after children with a scarcity mind-set get used to eating their fill. But you can set simple rules, like “everyone gets firsts before anyone takes seconds.” Older kids can learn to say, “Does anyone else want more of X before I finish it?”

The biggest complaints that feeding experts hear about family-style meals are that they are messy and use too many dishes. So, let it be known: When I serve family-style meals to my 6- and 2-year-old, I am not using our good serving bowls. I bring pots straight over from the stove or oven and put them down on trivets or dish towels. When I add a side of fruit or shredded cheese, they are still in their plastic containers.

We end up with roughly the same number of dishes we would have if I plated everything in the kitchen, give or take a few serving spoons. (The one exception may be taco night, which is both perfect for family-style meals, since everyone can customize their own, and a nightmare of additional bowls if you get too carried away with topping options.)

On the subject of mess, you also don’t need to hand a toddler the soup ladle. It’s fine to help small children serve themselves, as long as they give permission for food to go on their plate. Start with smaller portions and then add on if you’re worried about kids taking big piles of food they will likely not finish.

Also, not everyone has a dining table big enough to hold everything. But it’s still family style if you line up the food on a kitchen counter and have kids bring their plates over, or even just holler from the stove, “Do you want peas on your plate?” Supercautious eaters may need the control of being able to point out exactly where on their plate the peas should go, but other kids will benefit from being able to decide.