Ashes 2021-22: Australia v England second Test, day four – live!

Not sure if he’ll have to go off here, he’s in agony. He shoes the camera away as the twelfth man holds up a modesty towel an they examine the damage.

Root’s down... hit in the groin by Starc,, how much can one man bear?

41st over: England 78-3 (Stokes 3, Root 20) England survive Lyon’s penultimate over, with fielders swarming the bat. Three overs left.

In continued support of Rory Burns, Timothy Saunders writes: “If you sent all the Test openers in world cricket in to bat in England in April, facing Jamie Porter, Ben Coad, Tom Bailey and Darren Stevens, I’d back Rory Burns to top score.”

40th over: England 77-3 (Stokes 3, Root 19) Stoke almost gloves a 141kph beauty, then Starc cuts one through him, jack-knifing him at the midrift. An lbw appeal off the last, but it is too high. If England survive this, they deserve a demi-cheers. Four overs remain.

39th over: England 77-3 (Stokes 3, Root 19) Four men surround Stokes as Lyon steps in, he steals a single. Root gets a ripper that turns off the leg, then doesn’t play a shot at the next – jitttttttery. Five overs left.

“Ben Jones’ tweet from over 37 was right,” types Tom VD Gucht. “Sadly, he may also be our best bet as captain too.” He always seems to just rescue himself from being dropped, but I’m not sure that’s enough, unless you’re Mike Brearley. Good captain for Surrey though.

38th over: England 75-3 (Stokes 2, Root 18) Stokes is resolute as Stark again steams in, bowling in a short-sleeved cable-knit as the temperature starts to drop. The concentration is dripping off Stokes who defends and defends and defends. Ah, the television is now saying there are still six overs left in the day.

37th over: England 75-3 (Stokes 2, Root 18) Lyon is back – wicketless but deserving. He’s on the money immediately, beating the outside of Stokes bat, and Stokes steals a single from the last ball of the over. Six overs left

I like this:

36th over: England 74-3 (Stokes 1, Root 18) Starc gets his go as the evening slips away. Dot, Dot, Dot, Dot, Dot, Dot out of the black. Seven overs left.

Tim de Lisle – er why aren’t you in bed – writes: “With Burns making 34, England still have only two players who’ve reached 40 in this series – Root and Malan, twice each.”

35th over: England 74-3 (Stokes 1, Root 18) Root is in the zone. Feet, head, bat. Softly, softly, catchee monkey. Eight overs remaining.

Alan writes from Scotland, with a smug air. “Just to let you know after iinflicting “botch up boris” on us and almost causing us a national heart attack by leading in the Final of Euros,
we cricket loving Scots would like to thank the English cricket team for keeping with tradition & f..sorry “messing “ up … from DAY 1 of an Ashes Series in Australia.

“This means the long Christmas weekend- “ the crucial third test” – will able a selection boxish period of pleasure & delight as not only will we Scots be able to dip regularly into the Guardian’s OBO reports for a feast of falling wickets we will also be nourshed by the comments of Engerlans exasperated supporters !

“So players & fans keep up the good work we are loving !!
Poor Root .however he has just confirmed what most people thought… the only English cricket player with any …”

Alan, do you have no mercy?

34th over: England 72-3 (Stokes 0, Root 17) Green, an overgrown teddy bear with a killer streak, runs from the shadows into the light. Root picks up a couple but is content to play back the rest of the over.

“Morning Tanya from a misty Yorkshire,” taps Alex Gerrard.

“I don’t want to be Eeyore, but at 70-3 it seems that England’s chances of winning this one are now less than 50-50. Hope I’m wrong.”

In Root we hope. Nine overs left today.

33rd over: England 70-3 (Stokes 0, Root 15) Found it! Stokes plays out another maiden.

32nd over: England 70-3 (Stokes 0, Root 15) A maiden for Green, who beats Root with a beauty that anchors him in the crease. I must run and find my charger.

31st over: England 70-3 (Stokes 0, Root 15) Beautiful, testing, bowling. The high point for England early in the over when Root drives with pizazz to pick up three. A shame for Burns who had worked hard to get himself in. Now Stokes comes in blind under lights.

That was coming….Richardson had beaten Burns earlier in the over, as he squirted one just wide of the slips. This time he catches the outside edge, where Smith redeems himself by picking up a low neat catch in the slips. A brave rearguard by Burns, but again, not enough.

30th over: England 63-2 (Burns 30, Root 12) Green takes his giant steps back to the top of his run-up and zips a bouncer over the ducking Burns. A tricky maiden.

Guy Hornsby’s reasons to be cheerful:

29th over: England 63-2 (Burns 30, Root 12) Lyon gets a break and Smith brings on Richardson. Joe Root has nudged past Alastair Cook with the most runs as England captain, average just below 50. A glance at the list reminds me that Gooch averaged 58! as captain. Incredible. A nice maiden from Richardson to start.

28th over: England 63-2 (Burns 30, Root 12) Root cuts Green’s first ball to the boundary with celestial ease.

“It’s frustrating that the Aussies aeem to have so many strong and fit fast bowlers like Starc whilst England’s always seem to end up getting injured,” ponders Tom VD Gucht. “ It reminds me of Bugsy Malone when Dapper Dan keeps beating Fat Sam due to his battery of splurge guns against the pies Fat Sam serves up.When Fat Sam tries to make his own splurge gun, it ends up blowing up in his face and taking out Knuckles. Perhaps, Silverwood needs to take a move from Bugsy’s playbook and round up an army of down-and-outs (including a young Dexter Fletcher) to defeat them.”

27th over: England 57-2 (Burns 30, Root 6) The artificial shadows are now stretching across the Adelaide pitch like accusatory fingers, as the smell of Christmas tree suddenly wafts over from the corner of my living room. What’s at the top of the OBO tree? Root sweeps Lyon safely to pick up a single and that’s DRINKS!

26th over: England 57-2 (Burns 30, Root 6) Smith duly brings on Cameron Green, the baby-faced assassin. Root pushes him into the off side for a casual run to the safety of the non-striker’s end, leaving Burns to negotiate the rest of the over, including overturning that caught behind decision.

Given out on the field but Burns calls for DRS immediately

25th over: England 56-2 (Burns 30, Root 5) Another fierce over from Lyon, the ball lifting and fizzing and lunging. Burns survives a leading edge.

24th over: England 54-2 (Burns 29, Root 5) Neser flies through another over but in the gully, Root’s nemesis is warming up. In a final plea to stay on, Neser knifes past Root’s outside edge. Beautiful.

“The thought of Merkel on the receiving end of ‘Sir’ Alan Stanford’s pitch has brightened my morning,” types Niall Mullen.

23rd over: England 52-2 (Burns 29, Root 3) Root has ants in his pants as he gets down on his knee twice in a row to sweep Lyon and misses both times. Enough! The ball is bouncing all over the place.

22nd over: England 48-2 (Burns 28, Root 1) Root off the mark with a single into the covers. An hour or so left in the day as the sky turns purple above the Adelaide cathedral. Stay in your seats.

Not saved by DRS. The ball nipped back and Malan hadn’t advanced much down the pitch. Would have hit the top of middle stump. A pretty but inconsequential 20.

At first sight, looked pretty out, and the umpire raises the finger… but Malan calls for the DRS

21st over: England 48-1 (Burns 28, Malan 19) A chance, put down! Malan pushes forward and Lyon brushes the outside edge of the glove but Smith at slip doesn’t seem to pick the ball up clearly and fumbles it to the ground.

20th over: England 47-1 (Burns 28, Malan 19) A vigorous maiden from Neser, but no cigar.

19th over: England 47-1 (Burns 28, Malan 19) A Lyon maiden spoilt by a four bounding through backward point as Malan cuts. Tasty shot. Block by block, England build.

Chris Fowler punches the keys on his typewriter hard“Would it be tempting fate to say Burns and Malan look almost comfortable here?” Yes, Tanya, it would. Not just tempting fate, but inviting it out for a bout of fisticuffs, blindfold, in a sewage farm. With a challenge like that, I’d be amazed if England still have any wickets standing at close of play today.

(Over the top? Perhaps. But Fate has to hear it loud and clear, and turn peacefully back to its pint.)

18th over: England 43-1 (Burns 28, Malan 15) Rory Burns charges into a cut off Neser sending it skidding behind square for four. Luckily he has more confidence in himself than the rest of us do. The camera cuts to a long-view and we see the sun setting ominously.

17th over: England 39-1 (Burns 24, Malan 15) Malan cuts well, but I can’t help feeling he might come a cropper against Lyon. Here he tries to cut one that beats him. Another quick-fire maiden.

Rick Harris has inside knowledge of the recent trade talks:

“I think you need to understand that part of the recent Trade Deal with Australia was a clause agreeing to let them win the Ashes on their own turf in order to boost their self-esteem as a nation, which otherwise let’s face it would be pretty low. When seen in the proper context England are actually distributing international aid to a developing country.”

16th over: England 39-1 (Burns 24, Malan 15) Michael Neser replaces Mitchell Starc and immediately sends down a maiden.

An email – hello Kim Thonger! “Now that Angela Merkel is no longer Chancellor of Germany, I wonder if she might be persuaded to become England cricket coach? Her man management and political skills are second to none and she could surely absorb the necessary cricketing knowledge in next to no time with her formidable intellectual prowess?” Now, that is a brilliant suggestion. I’d love to see Angela in one of her signature trouser suits cocking an eyebrow at the ECB execs.

15th over: England 39-1 (Burns 24, Malan 15) Malan cuts Lyon’s last ball, pinpoint through the field, for four. And the runs tick over. Would it be tempting fate to say Burns and Malan look almost comfortable here?

14th over: England 34-1 (Burns 23, Malan 11) Starc again with a remodelled field, but still no breakthrough. Feels like time for a bowling change by Australia.

13th over: England 32-1 (Burns 22, Malan 10) Lyon rips past Burns, at slip Steve Smith is laughing. Burns has two close fielders either side of the wicket, crouching, waiting as Burns bobs about. Great over and another maiden.

12th over: England 32-1 (Burns 22, Malan 10) Malan plays and misses outside off stump. In slow motion, we see him close his eyes in frustration. A maiden from Starc.

11th over: England 32-1 (Burns 22, Malan 10) Malan leans onto the back foot, and cuts Lyon, confidently for four. Late and luscious.

“Morning from Spain Tanya.” Good morning Dave Langlois

Drastic measures but involving only two team changes, three if you count Root. First, bring in Bairstow as wicket keeper and number six instead of Buttler. Second, bring in Morgan instead of Pope. I know, I know, its yonks since he’s played red-ball cricket never mind test cricket But he averages 30 in tests compared to Buttler’s 33 and Pope’s 31, so no great difference there. And the runs his captaincy would win (by encouraging his own team and outthinking the enemy) would be countless. He would also come to the crease with a credit of 20 runs to start because Root, relieved of captaincy pressures, would be averaging 60 something instead of 40 something.”

Nice idea, but I don’t actually think Morgan likes Test cricket.

10th over: England 27-1 (Burns 22, Malan 5) Starc again, he’s a menacing spectacle sprinting out of the shadows, far more physically imposing than England’s bowlers. England survive, picking off runs here and there.

“Aside from the ritual awfulness,” writes Andrew Moore, “what is it about Ashes cricket in Australia? We’ve had several tight series in England, but struggling to think of a competitive series over the last 40 years. Even the two England won weren’t close. I blame the atrocious beer.” Good point! Though Australia and India managed an absolute cracker earlier this year.

9th over: England 24-1 (Burns 20, Malan 4) Ah, Nathan Lyon, we’ve been expecting you. Burns quick-steps down to meet him on the half volley and flicks Lyon’s second ball through mid-wicket for four. The next beats him; Burns comes out to meet the next in a strange kind of square dance. Ooof, this is looking tricky.

“Was Joe batting in the nets without a box?” asks Nick in Dorset. “I’m astounded if so. First cricket lesson you ever learn at Primary school.

Metaphor for the shambles this latest tour has become.

No doubt Joe will ‘learn the lessons and move on’. (If he can)!!”

This is a little beyond my knowledge base, but I think it was just throwdowns. Anyway, we’re back on….

Optimism with your cornflakes, from Ian Wilson: “Morning Tanya from rainy Turkey. So England just need 2 centurions and 4 guys to get a fifty each and a comfortable win by 3 wickets sometime after tea tomorrow, is it asking to much when the first 7 batsman after Hameed, have all scored a test match hundred, plus Broad at number 10, or am I just being over optimistic?”

Shall we leave that question hanging?

Time for a bowl of muesli, as the light dawns on a misty December morning in England. Some of the spare Australian squad are running out on the pitch as the light dims over beautiful Adelaide. Maybe this might brighten English hearts – Tim points out the last time England survived 134 overs in the fourth innings to secure the draw.

8th over: England 20-1 (Burns 16, Malan 4) Cameron Green is astonishing in the gully. How can such a big man be so nimble? Malan is trapped by a beauty from Richardson, which hits him zip on the knee. He’s jumping though, and Smith decides not to review, and is right. And that, my friends, is tea.

7th over: England 20-1 (Burns 16, Malan 4) England survive a yes-no-sorry, thanks to the fielder slipping over. Burns cuts Starc uppishly for four. Damn, that was a nice shot.

“Dear Tanya.” Hello Vanessa in Eastbourne!
“ABC commentary through the night was mildly mocking. Then they put on Kim Hughes, the stereotypical Aussie bloke from the 1980s. The horror! Guffawing, making lewd “jokes”, boasting….
We don’t deserve this, do we?”

Ewww! I have always had a soft spot for Hughes after reading Christian Ryan’s brilliant book Golden Boy, but glad I slept through that!

6th over: England 16-1 (Burns 12, Malan 4) Richardson bustles in, energy fizzing from every steps. Burns dabs him down the ground nicely and with remarkable confidence.

“Hi Tanya.” Morning Colum Fordham! “Desperately trying to find a positive twist to England’s performance. I think I’ve come up with one: Dawid Malan for Man of the Match for the Touring team. After a superb 80, England suddenly realise they have a competent leggie in their team when over 400 runs behind on a turner and he duly takes his first test match wicket with loop (or ‘tadge’ if you will). He then flays his first ball for a glorious cover drive. It’s a no-brainer.”

I agree! What did Ed Smith know?

5th over: England 7-1 (Burns 9, Malan 4) Malan is hit on the thigh pad first ball, the fourth zips through him. The natural shadows have almost covered the pitch and out of the corner of my eye, the floodlights are on.

4th over: England 7-1 (Burns 8, Malan 4) This is the first time in the series that Hameed has been out before Burns, so the first time Burns and Malan have batted together. Off his first ball, Malan drives Richardson through the covers with the richness of a slice of Christmas cake.

3rd over: England 7-1 (Burns 7, Malan 0) Burns survives a thriller from Starc, picking up three through square leg off the last ball. A horror stat for you:

A brutish ball from Richardson and Hameed doesn’t have an answer, the ball flying from the outside of his gloves into Carey’s . He could have left it. Hameed walks off the pitch, his head bowed the entire way.

1st over: England 4-0 (Burns 4, Hameed 0) With three slips and a gully licking their lips in anticipation, Starc charges in and Burns leaves the first ball. The second screams past the outside edge. Burns, face smeared with suncream, sends the third off his hips and away to the boundary. The fourth, squares him up again. He leaves the fifth and the sixth bounces awkwardly and Burns jabs it away. And breathe.

It looks like Rory Burns is going to face the first ball. The horror! The horror!

On the outfield the Australian bowlers are looking tall and menacing, as Burns and Hameed bump gloves and march into the lion’s den.