Welcome to Declassified, a weekly column looking at the lighter side of politics.
Turns out Donald Trump is a wrong â€˜un. Who knew?
At the time of writing, the U.S. Capitol building is still being disinfected after F**kface Von Clownstick riled up his supporters into such a state that they broke into the corridors of power and caused chaos.
One of the defining images of the whole tawdry affair was of a grinning idiot waving at the camera while carrying a podium that heâ€™d just stolen. My American colleague Ryan Lizza tweeted a pic of the man with the caption: â€œVia Getty, one of the rioters steals a podium from the Capitolâ€ and later had to clarify that â€œVia Gettyâ€ was a reference to the photo agency that provided the image and not the rioterâ€™s name! Frankly, the human race is doomed.
But it wasnâ€™t â€œGrinning podium theft manâ€ who became the figurehead of the riot. That honor went to Jake Angeli, or as you probably now know him, â€œBison Man.â€ And yes, it should be Bison Man and not Buffalo Man because the former have beards and the latter donâ€™t, and Angeli also has a beard. Itâ€™s important to be accurate when identifying less intelligent creatures.
Angeli either got that nickname because a) heâ€™s as thick as a bison omelet or b) because he dresses in fur and horns or c) because he produces 10 to 12 quarts of dung and gallons of urine a day. Either way, heâ€™s now a leading light of the mob as well as being a QAnon figurehead and as such wields not-inconsiderable power. He even reportedly grabbed a microphone at one point and told the rioters to go home. It can only mean one thing: Heâ€™s running for president in 2024.
Another, er, star of the protests was the man who sat at Nancy Pelosiâ€™s desk with his feet up, whoâ€™s been identified as one Richard Barnett, who calls himself Bigo â€” presumably because heâ€™s a big fan of the archeological site of the same name in Uganda. Asked by a reporter why he was holding a letter to a Missouri congressman taken from Pelosiâ€™s office, Barnett said he did not steal it but left a quarter on Pelosiâ€™s desk (the price of a regular stamp in the United States is $0.55).
Then thereâ€™s Elizabeth from Knoxville, Tennessee. We know that because she volunteered the information to a reporter after complaining that she was maced by police when all she was trying to do was storm the Capital. â€œItâ€™s a revolution,â€ she declared, seeming rather put out that the revolutionaries were greeted with mace rather than cake.
So there we have it, come 2024 itâ€™ll be Bison Man as president, Via Getty as veep, Maced Elizabeth as Secretary of State and Bigo as chair of the Federal Reserve. A slight improvement on the past four years, Iâ€™m sure youâ€™ll agree.
â€œThe winner of the Belgian vaccine lottery took his success with good grace.â€
Last week we gave you this photo:
Thanks for all the entries. Hereâ€™s the best from our postbag (thereâ€™s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze).
â€œSorry, Ursula, I donâ€™t seem to be able to find my manners. I thought I had left them in these suit pockets somewhereâ€¦â€ by Sebastian Jester.
Paul Dallison isÂ POLITICOâ€˜s slot news editor.