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Welcome to Declassified, a weekly column looking at the lighter side of politics.
I know itâ€™s been written in your diary â€” in ink, underlined and circled for emphasis â€” for months but just in case you need a reminder, Friday is One Britain One Nation day!
Itâ€™s a beautiful day of togetherness that has been promoted by the U.K. Department for Education and which, according to the official website, sends â€œa clear message that embraces all of us, irrespective of race, nationality, faith, colour or creed; whether we were born in Britain or have chosen to live here.â€ Unless youâ€™re from the EU and havenâ€™t filled in the forms, of course, then you can piss right off!
If you like flags, people waving flags, people with flag designs painted on their faces and people holding large flags, itâ€™s very much a website youâ€™ll enjoy. Thereâ€™s even a song, which schoolchildren across the land are being encouraged to sing on Friday (but not children in Scotland, as schools there have already finished for the summer. Still, One Britain One Nation!).
Guess how long it takes for the song to mention war â€¦
Congratulations if you said 31 seconds! Amazingly, it doesnâ€™t descend into mass chanting of â€œTwo world wars and one World Cupâ€ but instead repeats the refrain â€œStrong Britain, Great Nationâ€ over and over until you promise to vote Conservative as long as you never have to listen to it again.
Itâ€™s all part of a fightback against the EU which, according to media reports, is considering reducing the amount of British content on TV.
Brexitâ€™s going swimmingly, isnâ€™t it? Weâ€™re only half a year in and weâ€™ve already had a potential war in Jersey over fish, a potential war in Northern Ireland over sausages, and now a potential war across the Continent over 15-year-old episodes of â€œMidsomer Murders.â€
Speaking of fighting with the EU, Viktor OrbÃ¡n canceled his trip to Munich to watch the Hungary vs. Germany game in Euro 2020, the buildup to which was overshadowed by the Hungarian government and UEFA, European footballâ€™s governing body, being afraid that seeing colored lights might make everyone gay!
What happens in Hungary if thereâ€™s an actual rainbow? â€œLook away, son, a multicoloredÂ arcÂ has been formed by light striking water droplets.â€
As we all know, there are only two types of love in Hungary: that between a man and a woman, and that between a Fidesz MEP and his fellow naked male orgy enthusiasts.
â€œSomething to drink? Coffee, vodka, Novichok?â€
Last week we gave you this photo:
Thanks for all the entries. Hereâ€™s the best from our postbag (thereâ€™s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze).
â€œDo you really want Harry extradited?â€ by Albrecht Rothacher.
Paul Dallison isÂ POLITICOâ€˜s slot news editor.