Help! I Live With My Brother’s Ex. Suddenly That’s a Problem.

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Dear Prudence,

“Clare” is the daughter of my mother’s best friend. We basically grew up together. Clare and my brother dated on and off through high school and college, but they were never very serious about each other. When my brother married his first wife, Clare attended the wedding with her mom. Clare and I moved home around the same time for various reasons and ended up becoming roommates.

We got along so well that when I saved up enough to get my own place, Clare moved in with me. We are pretty content with where our lives are right now and don’t see any need to change things up. The problem is that my divorced brother has also moved back home and is currently dating the most neurotic woman imaginable. “Denise” is obsessed with the fact that Clare used to date my brother but still remains a close family friend. She acts strangely if Clare even gets mentioned, let alone is in the room. She flat-out accused me of trying to sabotage her relationship with my brother because I asked him to look at a plumbing issue. Clare works at home while I don’t.

My brother has confessed that Denise has gone through his social media and personal messages to see if he has been chatting with Clare. Denise found nothing, of course. I told my brother this was unhinged behavior. They have only been dating for five months. Clare isn’t going anywhere. She is my best friend. My brother tells me that Denise will understand with time. I honestly don’t want to be around Denise anymore but she and my brother are joined at the hip. This makes family functions fraught. What now?

—About Clare

Dear About Clare,

Poor Denise. No, seriously. She’s behaving terribly, it’s true. But I can also imagine it’s really miserable to feel this jealous and so out of control. Her reaching out to accuse you of sabotage is evidence that she’s lost the ability to even behave like a reasonable person. Sadly, her desperate efforts to hold on to your brother by policing his interactions with Clare are ultimately going to bring about the end of the relationship. But that’s the good news for you. This won’t last.

When you have to see her at family functions, grin and bear it, knowing the end is in sight (my prediction: right before the one-year mark), and don’t respond to her in a way that gives her any material at all to convince your brother that you’re the bad guy. If she confronts you again, stay calm and say lightly, “I’m so sorry you’re struggling, but that’s not true. And my parents’ anniversary party isn’t the right place for this conversion. Please excuse me” and walk away. On that topic, don’t waste time trying to convince your brother that she’s neurotic and inappropriate. It won’t help. Again, I promise she’ll do that work for you. Just be patient.

Classic Prudie

My husband recently told me his brothers want to go on a trip with him and his dad. I said, “Great,” thinking this is a nice bonding experience for everyone and good for his dad since his mother can’t travel due to health issues. Later, I asked if there had been any thought about where the trip might be. I felt like I had been punched in the gut to hear “Ireland.”