How not to raise a ‘glass child’

For siblings of children with disabilities, life can be difficult in ways no one else thinks of. They may worry about their sibling, while dealing with parents who are too exhausted and overwhelmed to give them the same consideration, while resenting it, and also feeling guilty for resenting it. The result is that many of these children

they report feeling invisible, almost as if they were made of glass, with their parents looking right through them. The term “crystal child“was first minted in 2010and it’s been making the rounds on social media recently, as siblings of disabled children talk about their shared experiences growing up.

“Sometimes we underestimate what kids know,” said Jami Dumler, a licensed clinical therapist with thrive. For glass children, “their experience parallels that of their parents,” she said. Like parents, Crystal Children experience a mixture of grief, confusion, loss, worries, which coexists with love for their sibling.

Complicating this experience is the fact that for young children, “they’re great observers, but they’re not always great interpreters,” Dumler said. As Dumler pointed out, if a child doesn’t know what is going on, he will inevitably make up his own story about what is going on. In many cases, the story they make up can be even worse than reality, such as finding a way to blame themselves or thinking that the situation is even more dire than it really is.

“Being a Crystal Child can often be very lonely and isolating,” Dumler said. This can include feeling ignored at home, struggling to connect with siblings, or feeling isolated from peers at school who may not understand the realities of your home life.

How Parents Can Support Glass Children

Raising a child with special needs can be overwhelming, whether it’s taking care of their complex medical needs or having to navigate social services to get the supports they need. As a result, many parents report feeling drained and burned out, which can lead them to overlook the needs of their other children. “It can be easy to forget about the needs of the crystal child brother,” Dumler said. Some Crystal Children will also feel the need to overcompensate by becoming the perfect, outstanding child, or feel that they cannot talk about their problems with their parents.

The good news is that “time and again, research shows that a little can go a long way,” Dumler said. Spending time with a glass child doesn’t have to be extensive or overly formal, but can happen in smaller time increments, whether it’s checking in with them during the car ride to sports practice, taking them out for ice cream at regular intervals or finding ways to tag bases on a regular basis.

It also helps keep the crystal child informed about what is going on with his brother. “It’s very important that parents give siblings a language to understand what’s going on,” Dumler said. This language will need to be age appropriate, but the more a child understands what is happening, the better they can process it. “Knowledge is power,” said Dumler.

There are also resources available, such as the Sibling support projectwho are dedicated to helping siblings of people with special needs, or Sibling Resourceswhich offers resources for the adult siblings of people with disabilities.