How to survive Christmas in NINE easy tips

Christmas is upon us. By now, your trees are probably up, the office parties are in full swing, and somewhere in the cupboard sits a tin of posh biscuits – bought in November – that you’re still not allowed to touch. But it’s not all decorations and merriment – ‘tis now also the season of unbridled passive-aggression, regrettable purchases, guests sleeping on blow-up beds, and arguments over board games… all served with overcooked turkey.

Christmas is Very British Problems on steroids.

All our strangest habits cranked up to 11 and wrapped in tinsel. I should know – I’ve spent the last decade chronicling British awkwardness on social media, and my new book, A Very British Christmas, is a survival guide to the festive season written by someone who loves it (the chance to stuff my face and lie on the sofa) and loathes it (all the other bits) in equal measure. So here, in no particular order, are the greatest pressure points of a classically British Christmas, and a few hard-won tactics for emerging on December 27 with your sanity (and most of your family relationships) intact.

1. Online Shopping

They sold us a fantasy: Christmas shopping from your sofa, mulled wine in hand, zero stress. Reality: you spend three solid evenings scrolling, reading 400 reviews of heated socks that nobody actually wants, then finally hit “buy now” at 11:53pm because your special offer voucher expires in seven minutes. A week later, a soggy cardboard box is tossed over someone else’s gate before the driver texts “parcel handed to resident”.

So now you have to leave the house anyway to either (a) find the parcel or (b) take it back to the post office because it’s wrong. For option (b), you queue for 40 minutes at the counter, only to be told you can’t return it because you didn’t print the label. You point out the website literally said, “no printer/label needed.” Sometimes you even have to schlep the thing back to the actual physical shop you tried to avoid in the first place.

So here’s a tip: just go to the high street in the first place. Yes, it’s crowded, but when your online order goes wrong, you’ll only end up there anyway.

2. Guests Who Overstay Their Welcome

Nothing tests British hospitality like Christmas house guests. Top of the annoyance league is the one who treats “make yourself at home” as a legally binding instruction. By day three, they’re sprawled across your sofa in their pants, your remote in one hand, your last handful of Quality Street in the other.

Then there are the human tornadoes who refuse to sit still: they reorganise your fridge and use the decorative tea towel – the one that was never meant to encounter a plate – to mop up gravy. Both types are exhausting. The only solution is a printed list of instructions taped to the fridge. Brits hate confrontation, but we will obediently follow a laminated polite notice.

3. The Untested Bathroom

Few moments strike terror into the British soul like realising you have caused a blockage in someone else’s toilet. No host ever warns you their cistern is temperamental. The plunger is never in the bathroom; it lives in the garage behind the lawnmower and a box of tangled Christmas lights that have been thrown there in anger. Retrieving it requires a public announcement from your host: “DEBORAH, WHERE’S THE PLUNGER?” shouted across a house full of relatives, so everybody knows exactly what you’ve done.

Do yourself a favour: if nature calls urgently, drive to the nearest services. Even if it’s late at night, a public loo is infinitely preferable to becoming known as “the one who blocked Auntie Deborah’s toilet in 2025” forevermore.

4. Present-Giving

Rule one: never buy your partner anything that might be construed as “helpful around the house”. A vacuum cleaner is not a gift – it’s a warrant for divorce.

Rule two: stop narrating the present as you hand it over. I am chronically guilty of saying, “It’s probably rubbish, you can change it” before the paper is even off. It kills the magic faster than when your kid realises Father Christmas used the same wrapping paper as mum.

And avoid theatrical over-reaction when you hate something. We all know that if you say, “I was literally just saying yesterday I needed one of these!” followed by “I might try it now!” it means you absolutely hate the Tupperware container you’ve just been given – immediately putting cheese in it doesn’t hide that fact. Just say thank you and move on.

5. The Ideal Running Order

My condolences to anyone who’s spending Christmas at a “presents after dinner” household. To me, that’s just not right. We all like Christmas how we’re used to it. For me, I like to have a light breakfast – maybe some scrambled eggs on toast with a bit of smoked salmon, because it’s a bit fancy and because I accidentally ordered a yard of salmon that’s been taking up the entire fridge for a week – and then open presents straight after.

Then, after all the wrapping paper is in a bin bag ready for recycling, it’s straight into loitering in the kitchen holding a glass of something and offering useless advice to whoever is cooking while they try to ignore me. After lunch I’ll state, “I’m never eating again, I’m so full”, then have a turkey sandwich soon after, before falling asleep during a film. Repeat that schedule until December 28 and job’s a good’un.

6. Paper Hats Are Mandatory

The paper crown is the great leveller. Refusing to wear one marks you out as a joyless tyrant. I have been known to ruin the mood by policing hat compliance with the zeal of a Victorian schoolmaster. Wear it for the walk to the pub. Wear it for the King’s Speech. Wear it until you go to bed. Wear it until at least the end of Boxing Day. Thank you.

7. Board Games: Choose Wisely

Monopoly is banned in our house; it’s essentially a family destroying argument on cardboard. Trivial Pursuit is safer – it’s so long and boring that everyone gives up and goes to bed before bloodshed occurs.

Avoid any “new, improved” versions of classics. Pictionary played with a laser pen that you draw in the air, so the image appears on an iPad, is futuristic and fun until you spend 40 minutes shouting “YOU HAVE TO HOLD DOWN THE BUTTON!” at Grandma until she cries. Best to just use a pencil.

8. Television Diplomacy

Never attempt to watch an edgy stand-up special unless you have pre-screened it. The moment the first four-letter expletive (one of the really bad ones) lands in front of a toddler, that’s Christmas ruined. Stick to Only Fools and Horses, The Royle Family, or the Gavin & Stacey Christmas special. Nostalgia is the only guaranteed crowd-pleaser and they don’t make ’em like they used to.

9: A Final Plea

Christmas will never be perfect. You will be tired, broke, and probably coming down with the flu. Someone will cry. Someone else will drink too much Baileys and tell you what they really think of your career choices. The fairy lights will fuse. The dog will eat some chocolate and be sick in your new shoes.

That’s fine. It’s tradition, so just try to go with the flow. The best you can hope for is getting through a British Christmas without a trip to A&E (you shouldn’t have tried to untangle those lights with your teeth!) so, if you manage that, then you’re winning.

 A Very British Christmas by Rob Temple (Atlantic, £12.99) is out now. You can follow Rob on Instagram @VeryBritishProblemsOfficial for daily proof that we really are all in this together