Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
“Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge where there is no river.” So said former Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev.
But not Matteo Salvini, who was in Brussels this week searching for funding for what would be the world’s longest suspension bridge, and it would definitely be built over water, specifically the Strait of Messina between Sicily and mainland Italy.
Salvini’s reasoning is clear — he wants to make it easier for migrants who come ashore in Sicily to make it into the welcoming arms of northern Italians! Only joking, he wants what all politicians behind large infrastructure projects want … his name on a shiny plaque.
Who could forget Boris Johnson’s government spending almost £900,000 on a study looking at the feasibility of a fixed link between Scotland and Northern Ireland before deciding that it was a rubbish idea. Johnson obviously has a bridge fetish as he also wanted to build a “Garden Bridge” full of flowers across the Thames in central London, and a bridge across the Channel between France and England.
League leader Salvini’s plan isn’t complete pie in the sky though, as it is included in the Trans-European Transport Network (TEN-T), which cements the EU’s plans to build a web of roads, rail and water links across the bloc, and as such would theoretically be in line for EU cash.
However, there are flaws in the plan.
Besides the €1.2 billion already spent on various studies and assessments, that skepticism also comes because the potential bridge would be located in one of the areas with the greatest seismic risk in Europe. In 1908, an earthquake killed 120,000 people and destroyed the city of Messina.
Still, a bridge might be good for Italian morale in what must surely be difficult times. As we all know, there’s nothing Italians love more than people tinkering with their food. That takes us to Florida, where a woman is suing food behemoth Kraft for $5 million, saying that its Velveeta microwave mac and cheese takes longer to make than advertised.
The lawsuit claims that the packaging on the microwavable single-serve cups of mac and cheese, which says it will be “ready in three-and-a-half minutes,” is “false and misleading.” That’s because her lawyers (yes, actual lawyers) say the timing doesn’t account for the other four steps required to prepare the pasta: removing the lid and sauce pouch, adding water, microwaving and stirring.
Rumors that the Giorgia Meloni government is planning on invading Florida in the name of justice for macaroni were, sadly, unconfirmed at the time of going to press.
CAPTION COMPETITION
“Faintly ludicrous, in age-old costumes and there to provide light relief … plus some Albanian dancers.”
Can you do better? Email [email protected] or on Twitter @pdallisonesque
Last time we gave you this photo:
Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our postbag — there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze.
“And this, Mr. President, is a commemorative statue of our police dog … who was shot by a burglar last year,” by Gregor Pozniak.
Paul Dallison is POLITICO‘s slot news editor.
