Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
Our kid is now old enough to have playdates without my partner and me attending, which is great! The thing is, we’ve discovered that several of our neighbors, whom we assumed were anti-gun like us, have concealed carry permits. I have cousins with guns in the house and I am completely comfortable with our kid visiting them because I know they’re always properly secured and that my cousins treat them as what they are: deadly weapons and not toys. Most of our gun-owning neighbors, however, have never handled a gun until they purchased it. Several have never even shot at a range and honestly don’t understand how they work. We were shocked to hear from one family that they don’t have a gun safe and that they keep the gun in their bedside table because their 7-year-old “is responsible”! How do we approach parents without sounding prejudicial or grilling them? “Do you have guns in the house? If so, where are they and how are they secured?” We don’t want to pry, but kids are kids, and even “responsible” kids can make poor decisions. I never thought I’d have to ask people in this city about firearms and I’m floundering for a question that gets at the answers I want without blowing up a friendship for my kid.
—Where’s the Gun?
Dear Where’s,
I’ll admit that I’m dying to know how you discovered this about your neighbors. Did they bring up their concealed carry permits in the course of an over-the-fence conversation? Did you mention at a block party that you are against guns, and they said, “Not us! We have one! We have a permit for it!” and then volunteered the business about the bedside drawer and their mature 7-year-old? Or maybe you were having a neighborhood grouse session about crime, and several neighbors volunteered this disturbing information?
I suppose it doesn’t matter. Except that … if they’re the ones bringing this up, it would be only natural for you to ask some follow-up questions. But what seems to be worrying you is not the people who have already told you they keep firearms at home and don’t store them safely—you know to keep your kids out of their houses, right?—but the fact that the cat is out of the bag: If some people in your city are doing this, then maybe many (or all) the houses your child’s friends live in also have guns they aren’t safely locking up. (This is in fact very common.) And what are you supposed to do about that?
Unlike you, I live somewhere where I was pretty sure lots of people didn’t have the same stance on firearms that I have. And actually, unlike you, I wouldn’t even have given a pass to someone who had a gun they kept locked away, since the single best way to keep children safe from guns in the home is to not have any guns in the home. I thought I would ask every one of my kid’s friends’ parents, directly (I’m a New Yorker by birth, rearing, and temperament, after all, even though I’ve lived in Ohio since 1988), but it turned out I couldn’t do it—I just couldn’t get the words out. It felt accusatory. So I didn’t let my daughter play without my supervision at the home of anyone I could not be sure about. I talked politics with the parents of her friends at pickup time, field trips, Field Day, and when they dropped their kids off at my house. I made my own positions clear and gave them ample opportunity to agree or disagree. Guns often came up naturally, and at some point I’d come right out and say, “You know what? I hate guns. I would never have one in my house.” Some parents would shudder and say, “Oh, me too,” and then I could get confirmation, asking, “So you definitely don’t have a gun in your house, then?”
But let me tell you: Plenty of parents would take that bait and tell me about their guns. And then I’d know for sure. Did I forbid my daughter from having playdates with these kids? No siree Bob. If there was anyone she wanted to play with, I was fine with it. But if I wasn’t comfortable dropping her off at their house, either because I knew about a gun or because I had no way of knowing one way or the other (or for any other reason, unrelated to firearms), the playdates occurred in my house. I’m hoping for your sake—because I know you’re looking forward to dropping her off—that you will be able to identify some families whose attitudes toward gun safety align with yours. But you should prepare to host a lot of playdates. (It isn’t so bad! I did it for years!)
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Dear Care and Feeding,
How do you handle your kids telling you things in confidence that involve other children? My 11-year-old often gets hit with guilt and tells me about “bad choices” he and his friends have made while they’re together. It’s all pretty innocuous preteen stuff—listening to a song with bad language, watching a YouTube with a dirty joke, or playing more video games than allowed. He doesn’t want to be seen as a tattletale, and I want him to continue feeling comfortable coming to me to talk about these things, so I’ve told him I won’t share anything he tells me in confidence with the other kids’ parents unless it involves another kid’s well-being or safety. Is that in line with how other parents treat this type of thing?
—Secrets
Dear Secrets,
It doesn’t matter how other parents treat this type of thing. (Though I know it’s tempting to compare yourself to others, and also to want not to be the outlier.) Your instinct is beautiful. Your kid is coming clean to you—great. Hug him and tell him you’re proud of him, and that you’re glad he trusts you to tell you these things. And then be trustworthy. Don’t rat him out. It’s good that he knows you won’t unless he reports something dangerous. You might add that if anything dangerous is ever going on, it’s super important that he tells you ASAP. Make sure he knows that all you want is for him and his friends to be safe and healthy—and that no matter what he tells you, you won’t be mad (or won’t be that mad).
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Dear Care and Feeding,
What are the best questions to ask after a kiddo’s first day of school, to get the info you really want?! (My kids are in 5th and 7th grade.)
—New Year Prep
Dear Prep,
What info is it that you really want? What I mean is: Is it information you need? Or are you just fiercely curious, don’t want to be left out, and just generally wish to be a part of every part of their lives in some way? Kids in 5th and 7th grade are notoriously reluctant to “share” with their parents. If they don’t volunteer information, and there’s nothing you need (but only want) to know, consider just letting them be. You already know that “How was your day?” “Do you like your teachers?” “What did you do at school today” and the like will not get you anywhere (Shrugs. OK. Nothing much. The usual, you know.)
I’m not telling you there’s something wrong with you for wanting all the details. It’s just that it’s probably for your sake, and not theirs. Unless you have reason to be worrying about what’s going on at school, just welcome them home, give them snacks, and let them talk about the day if they want to. (Even the little game of “best things/worst things about the day” may be met with eye rolls with kids this age.) Pro tip: If you want them to tell you things, wait until you’re in the car alone with one of them. Create that circumstance over the weekend. When they’re not looking you, and you let them choose the moment and what specifically they want to talk about, they’re most likely to tell you all the good stuff (and bad stuff) you’re desperate for.
Dear Care and Feeding,
One of my friends will soon be visiting with her same-age daughter (9) and mine has expressed some understandable apprehension about them being thrown together for the weekend, e.g., “It’s so awkward,” and “I don’t want a faraway friend.” Generally speaking, my kid isn’t great at initiating play (part personality, part pandemic, part only-childness—adults, of course, love her). How can I help her? Not just for this situation but also as she wraps up a summer of talking only to the counselors at camp instead of the other kids. My friend and I are planning on taking the girls swimming and to a circus show. Should we also take them to a movie? Maybe buy matching craft kits? I could use some tips.
—Getting Along
Dear Along,
I don’t know about you, but if I had a “same-age” houseguest I didn’t know coming to town, staying with me (maybe even sharing a room with me?), and with whom I’d be expected to spend all my time over the course of a weekend, I would be pretty miserable at the prospect. I’m not sure why kids are so often expected to go along with this sort of thing—that it’s taken for granted they will (and that they’ll like it! They just don’t know they’ll like it!) or at the very least that they’ll put up with it without complaint. Kids are people too.
Look, I totally get that you want to spend time with your friend. Of course you do, and you should do so. Being a mother doesn’t mean giving up every bit of your own life. But having your friend visit with her child and expecting the two children to become instant friends (especially when one of you has a child who doesn’t make instant friends, ever, and who in general prefers the company of adults) was not the best way for you to go about making time for this friendship. But what’s done is done. I would let your 9-year-old know that you’re sorry to spring a stranger on her, that you know she’s not looking forward to it, and even (if you can bring yourself to mean it) that maybe you shouldn’t have arranged things in exactly this way. Ask her if, as a favor to you, because you love your friend and don’t get to see her as often as you’d like, she’d be as welcoming and pleasant as she can manage; tell her you will not expect her to act as the other child’s host (she’s your guest, not your daughter’s); and please do not force her to share her room with your friend’s child unless she offers this herself—better to have your friend and her child share space (even a bed, if that’s the only option).
In other words, give your daughter some agency. Ask her, not me, if there’s anything she thinks might be fun to do over the weekend. If there’s a movie playing that she’d like to see, yes, that would be a low-key, low-stress way for the four of you to spend time together. I would avoid activities that force them to interact, but you might offer up some possibilities for things they could do together if your daughter can’t think of any herself—or some activities all four of you could do together, mothers and daughters—that could be fun. Board games? A jigsaw puzzle? Making and decorating cookies, or a cake? Doing something out in nature? Nothing that forces them to have a conversation. (If it happens, it happens. You can’t make it happen, and I think putting a lot of effort into getting your daughter to “make friends with” your friend’s child will backfire on you.)
Which brings me to your larger question about how to get your child to be interested in other children. From what you’ve said, I can’t tell if your daughter is shy or just more self-sufficient than other kids her age, if other kids don’t like her and she feels excluded or if her interests just don’t jibe with those of her peers (at least the ones she’s met so far), or what-all might be going on. Is she unhappy? Or is she content with the status quo? If it’s only you who is unhappy about her not “initiating play” with other children, maybe it’s time to consider why, and make sure you’re not focusing on your needs at the expense of hers. If she’s lonely and doesn’t know what to do to make things better, that’s a horse of a different color. See if you can get her to talk about it (see: while in the car, above). Watch her interactions with other kids—what do you observe? For all you know (for all I know, since I’m sure there’s more to this story than what you’ve put in your letter), she’s the kind of person who is content to have one or two particular, close, special friends. Does she have them? Or does she want to, and she just hasn’t met them yet? The bottom line: Don’t look for tips to get her to do anything. Find out what she wants, and needs, and why she doesn’t have these things—if indeed she doesn’t—and proceed from there. And if you find that she likes things the way they are? Let her be. She’s her own person—yes, even at 9.
—Michelle
More Advice From Slate
A couple of years ago, my dad was widowed after my mom died suddenly. He was in his mid-80s but in decent health. He asked (more than once) if he could come to stay with my wife, three kids, and me. I was shocked when my wife told me it was a hard “No,” absolutely out of the question. We fought long and hard about it.
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