Manchester United v Tottenham: Premier League – live!

34 mins: Going back to the penalty, it looked kind of soft, and Lamela seems to have started it with a push, but Martial gave him a pretty firm and purposeful slap back.

31 mins: “Scabby from Man United” according to Gary Neville, an insult I’ve not used in the context of my own football team but might well do now

30 mins: United are caught out again, inside their own area, Bailly robbed, Son playing it across the area for Kane to welly home

29 mins: If it’s any consolation, that Spurs corner came to nothing.

Manchester United are down to 10. There was some kind of melee after that corner was conceded, involving Martial and Lamela, who went down as they were tussling at the near post. It’s all careering out of control for the hosts here

28 mins: More carnage as first Reguilon and then Ndombele try their luck with fierce shots into the mixer. Corner again.

27 mins: Spurs go close again, and again Kane is the creator playing in Aurier who cuts in from the right before his shot is palmed away by De Gea. Another attack follows, and Lamela sees a shot deflected wide from close range.

25 mins: Fernandes floats a lovely diagonal ball to the far post for Rashford but Aurier does well to head out for a throw, but Man Utd come again until Maguire is dispossessed and a long ball is played forward for Son, who looks odds-on to make it 3-1 but makes an uncharacteristic mess of his first touch. A squandered chance

23 mins: Greenwood goes close. Surrounded by four defenders on the edge of the area he wriggles clear of all of them to find space for a shot that skims just wide of Lloris’s left-hand post.

21 mins: United pressing a bit more now, and Greenwood finds some space 20 yards out but his shot is muffled by a deflection and ends in Lloris’s arms.

20 mins: Rashford hits the post! Reaching a fine through ball, he beats Aurier and sends a skidding shot against the upright, though the flag was up for offside.

19 mins: The free-kick is headed clear and eventually ends in the arms of Lloris.

18 mins: Martial runs at Sanchez inside the box again, gets the better of him again initially but Spurs recover this time until a free-kick is conceded 25 yards out on the left.

17 mins: Lamela robs Pogba midway inside the United half, but United regroup to press Spurs back. Reguilon eventually gets down the left to send in a low cross that De Gea gathers.

15 mins: Spurs look that bit crisper and controlled in possession at the moment in what is otherwise a pretty helter-skelter game. Kane is everywhere.

“The opening minutes of this fixture will be featured in the upcoming book “How Not to Play Football,” quips Mary Waltz.

14 mins: Lamela’s kick wide n the right is charged down and United break through Martial but Ndombele regains possession from Matic on the edge of the Spurs area

13 mins: Kane forages again, teeing up Lamela before he’s forced back. Spurs win a free-kick after the ball is belted into Luke Shaw’s midriff. Here we go.…

11 mins: And breathe. Much though I find assist statistics superfluous, the sheer creative potency of Kane of late is a thing of wonder.

8 mins: This was top-notch attacking interplay from Spurs here, Kane sliding in Son, who bursts beyond the back line on the left to clip it into the opposite corner. Cagey, tactical chess, this eh.

6 mins: after good work by Shaw, Greenwood takes a low potshot from 20 yards but Lloris is down comfortably behind it

Absurd stuff! a throw into the box causes havoc among Maguire and Bailly who can’t handle Ndombele’s rumbustious presence and his deflected shot finds the corner.

3 mins: What a daft start from Spurs – United showed good intent down the left, and Martial was deftly played in behind Spurs back line but that was basics from Sanchez, barging into Martial like that.

Ninety seconds in, and Crisis Club United are ahead, as Fernandes effortlessly rolls his kick into the corner

An early United raid and Sanchez clumsily brings down Martial as he zips in from the left

United get us underway, kicking towards the east stand, after the customary knee-take.

Jose Mourinho talks, on a very important matter: He genuinely though “Gary” was short for “Gareth” and that was why he addressed the England manager Southgate thus the other day. “I apologised to him and I want to make that public.” Glad that’s cleared up.

Meanwhile, Stephen Carr (presumably not the former Spurs full-back) emails to say: “I’m going to stick my neck out here and say that this afternoon’s game is going to be the complete and utter opposite of Leeds – City.”

A bit of pre-match chatter, from Solskjær and Rashford: “We have to break them down cleverly enough,” says Solskjær, “and they’ve got Son back who’s one of the best players in the league at running in behind.” As for Cavani: “I can’t say anything before a deal is done, my mind is on the game

Rashford says United need to take more risks, and it’s important to go into the international break in good spirits with a win behind them.

In the Sky studio, G-Nev and Patrice Evra maintain the critical tune by querying the planning process – or lack of – in moving for Cavani, and the omission of Van de Beek for Pogba.

Back on a nostalgia tip, here’s some wise counsel from one of our regulars:

Now you’re talking. In fact, I’m still three short to complete España 82 if someone could help a brother out.

A perhaps tone-setting first email. “Still no league start for van de Beek…” harrumphs Robert Lin. “Is Ole actively trying to get sacked?”

This level of pre-match discontent can only mean one thing: a reverse-jinx and the Reds win at a canter.

In these dystopian, digital football-watching times, you’re going to want a dose of English football’s past at its most eccentric. In which case, tuck right into this gallery:

Arsenal have beaten Sheffield United 2-1, braving a late Blades’ fightback after a fine David McGoldrick goal, while Fulham are still pointless after losing 0-1 at Wolves.

And an eye-catching scoreline involving Fulham’s west London rivals Brentford too, the Bees tossing away a 2-0 lead at home to Preston to go down 2-4.

Arsenal’s women have won too, 3-1 against Bristol City.

Son is back for Spurs, Bailly in for Lindelöf for the hosts

Manchester United: De Gea; Wan-Bissaka, Bailly, Maguire, Shaw, Pogba, Matic, Greenwood, Fernandes, Rashford, Martial. Subs: Lindelöf, Mata, Lingard, Fred, Henderson, Can de Beek, McTominay

Tottenham: Lloris; Aurier, Sanchez, Dier, Reguilon, Sissoko, Hojbjerg, Ndombele, Lamela, Kane, Son. Subs: Doherty, Alderweireld, Winks, Hart, Alli, Lucas Moura, Davies.

Referee: Anthony Taylor (Cheshire)

Pre-match reading: Our resident tactics guru Jonathan Wilson runs a critical eye over Man Utd’s current state here:

Afternoon everyone. What to make of this one then? Two heavyweight-ish sides about which it’s hard to divine whether they’re very good this season. Manchester United’s unconvincing early performances and seemingly confused transfer window have done little to muffle the mumblings of those who wonder whether the club have got any sort of plan. The move to sign Edinson Cavani, formidable forward though he is and has been, has more than a whiff of the Zlatan or Larsson cameos at Old Trafford. And the Bruno Fernandes/Mason Greenwood love-in period of high summer suddenly seems very distant.

José Mourinho meanwhile returns to Old Trafford boasting Gareth Bale and Sergio Reguilon as recent arrivals. Bale is unlikely to figure today but Reguilon should, and has already shown his promise. Tottenham have had a curious season so far, schooled by Everton first off before outplaying Southampton and Newcastle only to be denied victory against the latter by that handball kerfuffle about which all opinions have now been officially exhausted and are thus prohibited. And they’ve reached the quarter-finals of the League Cup without winning a game over 90 minutes, as well as the Europa League group stage. Busy, busy, busy.

Ole Gunnar Solskjær’s side won this fixture last season, 2-1, condemning Mourinho to his first loss as Spurs manager before United somehow scrambled a draw from a sub-par performance at an empty Tottenham Hotspur Stadium in June.

It’ll be an intriguing one. Don’t go anywhere. Kick off 4.30pm BST.