Sober or in Recovery? Here’s how to plan a dry wedding.

A year ago when my daughter got married, we all had to navigate more of the usual wedding planning pitfalls.

Our family’s goal was to protect my newly sober daughter, Chrisoula Markoulakis, 32, and to honor my future son-in-law, Josh Shargel, also 32, who had worked seven years to get sober. So naturally questions arose about serving alcohol or having a zero proof bar. Would our guests enjoy mocktails or “functional drinks” fortified with natural ingredients intended to improve emotional or physical state? And would having them around cause triggers for my daughter and husband that could lead to cravings?

Since recovery is an ongoing process, his views on soft drinks were rooted in his original approach to recovery: his was Alcoholics Anonymous and hers was the luckiest club, an online support community. AA follows a set of spiritual principles, the Twelve Steps. Online recovery support groups like the Luckiest Club, which became popular during the pandemic lockdown, don’t ask members to follow dogma or even declare their illness.

My son-in-law was against anything resembling alcohol and usually prefers sparkling water, while my daughter wanted a mocktail station. As the two discussed the ramifications of alcoholic substitutes, our family became increasingly stressed because we knew nothing about the recovery process. we were learning about alcohol use disorder in real time.

We wondered about the unspoken biases related to our daughter’s illness and whether our friends and family would not only miss the champagne but also judge her and her new husband. In the end, the couple had their own intimate negotiation about what felt right before presenting us with safe options. There would be no alcohol present, and the “couple’s signature drink” was a punch-like concoction served in glass bottles.

By their wedding day, my daughter’s and son-in-law’s sober paths were intertwined—she recognized that there is more than one path to sobriety. He agreed that mocktails were overrated and now she abstains. Their union was toasted all night with delicious sparkling elderflower juice.

Once you determine where you and your partner fall on the sobriety spectrum, you can choose drinks that allow you to celebrate safely and still create an experience that is true to you as a couple and enjoyable for guests.

“Discovering and understanding your relationship with alcohol is a lifelong and deeply personal process,” said Chris Marshall, owner of no bar in Austin, Texas, a non-alcoholic bar and academy for people who want to start non-alcoholic businesses as party hosts, bar owners, or social media influencers. “Seeing sobriety as a spectrum is very helpful.”

ryan hampton, 42, and Sean O’Donnell, 30, both from Las Vegas, quickly developed an intense connection, bonding over their sobriety shortly after meeting in 2018 at a national summit on drug abuse in Atlanta. This was something neither of them had experienced in recovery before. Both Mr. Hampton, an author of books on the opioid addiction crisis and addiction recovery activist, and Mr. O’Donnell, CEO of the Foundation for Recovery, wanted their March 18, 2023 wedding at Mount Charleston, Nev., being dry

“Given our status, being sober and what we do professionally, there was no expectation of anything more than a sober wedding,” Mr. Hampton said.

For others, the decision may not be so clear. “Of the six weddings I hosted in 2022, three of the couples debated whether or not to serve alcohol, and the decision came down to what the guests would say if there was no alcohol option,” Marshall said. Although those couples had made the decision to abstain, he said, they couldn’t rule out alcohol because they felt the guests would be disappointed.

“I admit that I questioned having a dry wedding for a short time because I remember going to one when I was in college; I was a partier,” said Mr. Hampton, who has been sober since 2015. “But a few months into the planning process, I felt good about being a little selfish. I was too worried about what other people thought and whether they would have a good time.”

Dr. Ana Lembke, psychiatrist and author of “Dopamine Nation,” wants to challenge the expectations of alcohol. “I think it’s selfish for people who are invited to a wedding to expect alcohol when the people getting married are in recovery,” said Dr. Lembke, who is also a professor of psychiatry at Stanford. “These are life and death situations for many people. This is not a trivial matter.

However, sometimes those closest to couples are the least flexible when it comes to respecting their sobriety, especially if the brides or grooms are from a family with a culture of heavy drinking or if the two have not met. detached from his group of drinking friends.

“People who use drinking as their main social lubricant or hobby have a different perspective on the world that almost hinders them,” said Dr. Lembke, adding that they “only know a world where people use alcohol as a way to facilitate human life. Connection.”

Mr Hampton, however, believes the stigma is fading, partly because “sober-curious” movement.

Stephanie Rice, the founder of best bar, a private events service in San Francisco, saw a gap in the market for a premium mobile bar experience that didn’t include alcohol. In 2021, he began hosting pop-up bars for corporate clients in Silicon Valley and private events like engagements and weddings. “We cater to the low-alcohol and no-alcohol crowd,” she said. She has noticed a cultural shift at weddings where there is a greater focus on health and wellness over drinking.

“I think we’re going to get to a place where there’s no trial soon,” Ms. Rice said. “If you’re having a drink at an event, it shouldn’t matter what’s in it.”

Both Better Bar and Sans Bar don’t skimp on the bar experience. “Our guests see all the bottles and interact directly with the bartender,” Ms. Rice said. “There is a dialogue and education around these drinks that is really important.”

Mr. Marshall also stressed that sober couples who host a dry bar shouldn’t expect to spend less. “A well-made elevated drink that doesn’t contain alcohol requires just as much effort as one that does, and you should budget for it,” he said.

Better Bar’s beverage list includes functional beverages with ingredients like CBD, adaptogens like herbs and mushrooms, and nootropics like caffeine and creatine, which can be good replacements for casual teetotalers. But Dr. Lembke advises people in addiction recovery to avoid anything that claims to mimic the effects of alcohol without being addictive. “Anytime someone in a lab finds a chemical that is supposed to do what that addictive chemical did, but without being addictive,” he said, nobody gets it right.

Tara Ybarra, founder of the event planning business Ybarra Events In Northern California, he’s hosted several dry weddings, and in doing so, he’s focused more on the experiences and less on the drinks. His company works with couples seeking the outdoor wine country experience.

Ms. Ybarra recommends splurging on fancy sparkling water in fancy bottles and trying non-alcoholic wines before the wedding, as there’s such a wide variation in quality. This is especially important if the wine pairing is part of the meal service, she said.

Often, Ms. Ybarra will replace the open bar with interactive entertainment. “We had couples do a live art painting, an alpacas petting experience, and a cigar bar where they roll right there and you can discover different flavor notes in the tobacco,” she said.

Mr. Hampton and Mr. O’Donnell chose to spend the bar’s budget on music and dancing. “We doubled down on a DJ and great lighting and really upgraded the space,” Mr. Hampton said. “And because I’m a terrible dancer, we splurged on dance lessons for Sean and me.”

At her wedding, she said, “people were partying; They just weren’t drinking.”