Something Is Very Wrong With the Relationship Between My Nieces

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I know nothing good comes from critiquing other people’s parenting, but I still need to ask if I can or should do anything here. My husband and I have two girls, ages 19 and 20. No kid is easy, and closeness between siblings shifts and flows, but they generally had and have a good close relationship. They had small verbal arguments about using the car, borrowing belongings, and other typical stuff in high school, but never anything that seemed scarring.

My brother “Robert” has three kids, with two girls ages 15 and 16. The ways they fight and argue feel out of control.

It’s not clear to me if one of them is causing it, but they both call each other nasty, rude, and hurtful things. There’s screaming, and there are physical fights, including a few broken bones.
They’re mostly either icing each other out or at each others’ throats, rarely peaceful. I’ve been seeing them a few times a week since they moved locally in 2022, and it seems to be getting worse instead of better. My brother claims it’s normal for teenage girls, but I don’t remember it being like this. His wife also doesn’t seem to intervene, but I haven’t talked to her about it. Is there anything I can do? Or should I just mind my own business?

—Worried Aunt

Dear Worried,

Considering that you were once the mother of two teenage daughters, I think it is fair for you to say something to your brother. Tell him that your concerned that the fighting between his girls seems to be more extreme than normal, and while your own kids had their fair share of arguments, it was nothing like what he is witnessing between his daughters. The broken bones (!) are one clear example of that. Ask him to consider getting the girls into therapy, either separately or together (ideally both) so that they can work through their issues. Talk to him about how he and his wife address the conflicts between their girls and suggest that they take a sterner approach; there should be consequences for acts of physical violence, for example. Let him know that you are happy to support him as best as you can. You may want to talk to your own girls about speaking with their cousins and if they’re game, offer them up as a resource for his daughters to connect with when they are beefing. Be clear about the fact that what these two are going through goes beyond typical sibling issues and can lead to lifelong conflict.

—Jamilah

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