Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humour in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in 280 characters or fewer.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the poop smell*— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 11, 2020
1.
I'll put decorative pillows in my husband's recliner, IDGAF.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) September 12, 2020
2.
Marriage is mostly just pretending you were awake when you were really sleeping and pretending you’re sleeping when you’re really awake.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 9, 2020
3.
Gonna have to ask my husband to pluck the chin hairs I can’t seem to grip. We’re here now.
— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) September 7, 2020
4.
If you have to tell your wife “it was a joke,†it’s already too late. Godspeed.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 9, 2020
5.
*vacuums the rug in front of the TV for 20 minutes while my wife tries to watch her show*
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) September 6, 2020
6.
Me: we should have sex more often
Husband: Let’s start doing it every day.
Me: omg Lol what no
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) September 10, 2020
7.
Me: I think I'll do some reading.
Wife: What are you reading?
Me: A Series of Unfortunate Events.
Wife [coming into room]: that's a 2020 calendar— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 8, 2020
8.
Marriage: When going to the grocery store for ice cream and a flu shot is considered date night.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) September 12, 2020
9.
Welcome to your 30s!
You did your first sets of lunges since kids and now your spouse has to help you off the toilet.
— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) September 10, 2020
10.
I used to delete all my texts but then I got married and keep everything in case sooomebody wants to say I never told him to do that thing that I definitely told him on *picks up phone* June 24th, 2012 at 5:37PM.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 7, 2020
11.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 2, 2020
12.
Marriage is just listening to your husband say, “I can totally do that,†while watching home improvement shows.
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) September 12, 2020
13.
Wife and I are at the age where we have a bunch of shows that we can’t watch until the kids go to bed, but by the time they go to bed we’re too tired to watch them.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 10, 2020
14.
My wife's job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) September 6, 2020
15.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
— Forward March (@RunOldMan) September 6, 2020
16.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) September 10, 2020
17.
Sent my husband to the store & then turned off my phone because it’s time to teach independence.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 13, 2020
18.
Husband: “Today’s the first time that I‘ve noticed you’ve aged..â€
Me: (raises eyebrow)
Husband: “You’re handsome, you just look more like a father who works in senior management and not a guy going to music festivals with his matesâ€
I’m now sobbing into my anti age cream..
— Steve 🏳️🌈 (@papaneedscoffee) September 13, 2020
19.
Can’t wait for my wife to get home and see how clean the bathtub is! Not sure why people told me my 30s would be boring.
— lucy bexley 🦇🌈 (@bexley_lucy) September 13, 2020
20.
My wife still brings up that one time I took a nap in 2015 while she was in labor
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 4, 2020
21.
Husband: *pours milk before cereal*
Me: Get out.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 3, 2020
22.
You only think you’re a calm, passive person until you catch your husband drying off with your tablecloth
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) September 3, 2020
23.
Husbands – Normalize having your wife’s fallen out hair strands awkwardly hanging from your body at all times.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 4, 2020
24.
I'm not saying I've been angry the last few months, but I just texted "hi honey, how is your day?" to my husband and he responded "who are you and what did you do with my wife?"
— Divergent Mama (@divergentmama) September 1, 2020
