The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

40% of parenting small children is just saying “wow” and “cool” when you don’t mean it.

— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) May 24, 2020

I want the confidence of a toddler who picked out her own outfit.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 27, 2020

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) May 25, 2020

So my 3 year old was drifting off to sleep last night when she suddenly popped up and said to me:

“We are now on a different planet”

Then she immediately fell asleep.

Sooooooo… yeah.

😳

— Audra McDonald (@AudraEqualityMc) May 25, 2020

8-year-old: Are we having pizza tonight?

Me: No.

8: Can you check again?

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 28, 2020

If you’re not power napping on the toilet are you even a parent?

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 25, 2020

I wish someone had told me this parenting law:

The more excited I am about an activity with my kids, the less they will care about it.

— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) May 26, 2020

My 6 yr old just got mad at me and told me to mute myself

— Molly Erdman (@erdmanmolly) May 28, 2020

My 3-year-old calls corn on the cob porn on the cop and I will never correct him.

— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) May 25, 2020

“Can you help me with this?”
– every kid, nearly every minute of the lockdown

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 25, 2020

My kids were crushed when I told them our Disney trip was canceled.

Partly because that’s the first they even heard of any Disney trip since we'd never planned one, but at least now they'll think we did.

— The Dad (@thedad) May 25, 2020

If you don't have one child you can trust to spy and tattle on their siblings, you're doing it wrong.

— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) May 25, 2020

(5 year old on his iPad reading app)

Me: whatcha doing?
5 year old: looking up ways you can get stronger.
Me: Why?
5 year old: so you can play The Rock in my movie.
Me: I can’t do that as I am?
5 year old: …

— Lin-Manuel Miranda (@Lin_Manuel) May 27, 2020

If my kids wind up growing into sociopaths and they question me for a Netflix special, I plan on answering all interview questions with “whoopsie doodle.”

— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) May 27, 2020

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 28, 2020

I gave the kids a big amazon box to play with and they all climbed inside and seemed happy so I taped up the box and returned it to amazon I’m sure they’re fine

— MumInBits (@MumInBits) May 25, 2020

Don’t ever tell a child you’re going to do something with them before you’re ready to start the activity. They will be on you like white on rice. pic.twitter.com/278Wr75ifO

— Rideshare to FREEDOM 💣💣💣 (@Steph_I_Will) May 21, 2020

My kids always ask for things like, "Can I have four cookies because I'm four?"

By that logic, can I have 30 million dollars because I'm thirty?

— Raw Motherhood (@MetteAngerhofer) May 25, 2020

Renamed my oldest kid Netflix because he's always asking, "Are you still watching?" even when he's showing me shit I've already seen.

— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) May 27, 2020