The Great Celebrity Bake Off 2022: episode five – live

I’ve not seen a baker as phenomenally unpredictable since Bake Off Jamie.

I think we can all agree that, despite (or because of) what we’ve just witnessed, Mawaan should definitely join a regular series of Bake Off. Perhaps just as a fun contestant to cut to when things get tense?

I don’t think he’s going to get Star Baker.

He flew too close to the sun. Paul Hollywood’s mahogany face has shattered into a hundred pieces, and Mawaan is on the floor howling at the tent’s unflinching peaks.

Mawaan twenty minutes ago: “They should have gotten real bakers in.”

Mawaan right now “I should go on the real Bake Off”.

This was moments after pushing liquorice allsorts into his eyes.

The brandy has well and truly snapped.

Mawaan, perhaps unsurprisngly, is struggling to form a face from his melted/burned cheese-slop.

Why do I have a sense of foreboding and pure fear all of a sudden?

“RuPaul’s body and breasts have entered the oven”.

SIR DAVID ATTENBOROUGH IN BISCUIT FORM.

New Drag Queen Name: Brandy Snap.

Here’s some other amazing celebrity memories.

RuPaul looks like he’s been rolled unnervingly thin. And let’s hope Ellie’s David Attenborough is a bit more successful than his last depiction in the tent…

I’d like a celebrity special to be entirely made up of Drag Race alumni. Can you imagine the carnage?

Tracy-Ann: “It currently looks like two fallopian tubes but it will actually be RuPaul in biscuit form.”

Instead of coming out with RuPaul’s famous catchphrase (“if you can’t love yourself how the hell are you going to love somebody else?”), Tracy-Ann instead came out with a slightly more bleak “if you don’t love yourself then nobody else is ever going to love you.”

SOPHIE IS BAKING A BISCUIT KATHY BURKE. THAT IS ALL.

They said the word “sucking” a lot didn’t they? I couldn’t focus on anything else.

Prue is hoping the bakers will “astonish us”. I imagine that’s likely, though it may not be for the right reasons.