The slap that changed everything

And selfishly, I didn’t want to spend precious time and resources in my life hating other people or holding them accountable for their actions. In the future, if boundaries were violated, I’d rather let them think they had me, without actually having me, as punishment for their overreach.

Dissociation became an essential protection against objectification, a way to leave my baggage behind in order to feel lighter. Remaining uncaring or uncaring was an act of patriarchal defiance, even if it meant I lost a few men who really loved me along the way.

Over time, I became very fluid with my sexual and romantic boundaries and had a hard time staying monogamous. I rejected many proposals, but I passively accepted many others. Whether I’ve been flirted with, harassed, touched, demeaned, stalked or yes, even drugged and beaten up, I tried to laugh it off or embrace it, determined not to let anyone, any sensible man or person, undermine my joy or joy. . freedom. The more I could disassociate and separate, the more I felt in control to propel myself forward, vacillating between freezing and running.

Several men have told me that I behaved “like a man” in my dating and romantic habits, because, according to them, I was able to have sex or date and move on without any sense of attachment, going from man to man. The truth is that I have always felt quite vulnerable, but I did not know how to survive an adventurous, curious or open life of relationships with men without some degree of dissociation.

Even if he emulated what many would consider more of a man’s dating or sexual pattern, he knew that this was not the same thing as being a man. We were raised very differently and we do not share the same vulnerability. Men are not taught to feel shame in the same way that women are. They are not normally called whores. In general, they don’t have to worry about getting whipped in the street while wearing winter coats. They are not so afraid of getting killed on a random date.

Having experienced this shame and fear, I learned at certain moments to detach from myself, to tell myself that this was happening to someone other than me.