Transformed by the holy spirit? The bar pretending to be a church to beat Covid rules

Name: The Church of 400 Rabbits.

Age: Pending approval from the Nottingham’s registrar general.

Appearance: A colourful, dimly lit, Aztec-themed bar.

“The Church of 400 Rabbits” sounds more like a kung fu movie than a place of worship. Wait, it gets better: this church has a six-page tequila menu.

Lord, I’m coming! There is one tiny downside, though. It isn’t actually a church.

Then why do you keep calling it one? I know, I was getting ahead of myself. The Church of 400 Rabbits is a tequila bar in Nottingham; it has applied to be classed as a place of worship. In truth, the application is likely to be thrown out.

Why? Because it’s a tequila bar.

I’m so confused. It’s simple. When the national lockdown ends, Nottingham will be a tier 3 zone. This means that if you’re a tequila bar, you are only allowed to sell takeaway or delivery drinks.

Right. But if you happen to be a place of worship, then people from the same household or bubble can enter your premises.

Oh, so it’s a cheeky loophole. Basically, yes. If the bar can convince the registrar general that it has an active and willing congregation, then it might be able to start letting people back in. But primarily it’s being used as a gimmick to highlight the harsh conditions put upon the hospitality sector this year. A gym in Poland (the Atlantic Sports and Fitness Club in Kraków) tried a similar trick last month, rebranding itself as the Church of the Healthy Body in a bid to stay open.

Are there other loopholes? Glad you asked. Pubs in tier 2 can serve alcohol if it comes with a “substantial meal”, which is why everybody is now convinced that a single scotch egg counts as dinner. Then there’s the Caxton Arms in Brighton, which is attempting to skirt the rules by serving a beer called Substantial Meal.

Will that work? Almost definitely not. Others have gleefully leapt on the loophole that allows you to drink without a meal, provided you’re doing it at a sports ground, concert hall, theatre or cinema.

Wow, people sure do like trying to ignore health advice if it lets them get drunk. In fairness, pubs and bars are suffering hard at the moment. The owner of 400 Rabbits …

You mean the Church of 400 Rabbits. Sorry, the owner of the Church of 400 Rabbits said that Nottingham council is even running a Christmas market outside the bar, which doesn’t sound particularly fair.

And I guess the application to be a church is as much about sticking it to the man as anything else. Except that in this case “the man” is God. Don’t be surprised if there’s a lightning strike in Nottingham soon.

Do say: “Pubs are churches now.”

Don’t say: “If wine is the blood of Christ, what can we call tequila?”