Loneliness and hostility have a lot in common. Loneliness involves feeling emotionally or socially disconnected of the people around us and believe that they do not care about us as much as they really do.
This perceptual distortion makes us doubt and likely to retire. Hostility involves a tendency to perceive others as untrustworthy or harmful and can also lead to alienation from others.
But how do these constructs of hostility and loneliness interact?
The lonely slide into a hostile mindset
a new study examined the question by looking at a large sample of older adults (although I think the findings apply to people of all ages). The researchers found that loneliness was a significant predictor of hostility.
In fact, loneliness creates a state of mind that causes hypervigilance towards others, as well as a tendency to distance oneself from them. This happens because the emotional vulnerability we feel causes us to be so afraid of further rejection that we begin to see others as potentially harmful, expected to reject us, which puts us squarely in a hostile mindset.
Further reinforcing a hostile mindset is the secondary benefit we could get from it. Perceiving others as beings distrustful and harmfulwe can justify our loneliness as ‘their fault’ rather than a reflection of our own shortcomings or unworthiness.
The stigma of loneliness.
To further complicate matters, loneliness carries a stigma that makes others hesitant to associate with people they perceive to be lonely. We are just as good at spotting people who seem hostile and that also makes others hesitant to approach. This combination of loneliness and hostility can elicit hesitant responses from others, reinforcing the lonely person’s perception that others do not care about them and cannot be trusted.
In short, loneliness evokes emotional pain and vulnerability, as well as a fundamental feeling of disappointment in the people around us who have “allowed” us to feel alone. That can lead us to feel more hostile towards others and make them hesitate to engage with us at the very moment when we are desperate to deepen our emotional and social connections with them.
Therefore, we must create a more supportive mindset before reaching out to others, to minimize the impact of loneliness and hostility and maximize our chances of connecting positively.
Here are three guidelines to help you develop a favorable mindset and avoid feeling alone.
1. Control your mindset
If you want to reach out to a friend but also feel resentful that you haven’t been in touch for a while, think back to the last time the two of you had fun together or enjoyed meaningful interaction. Use that memory of a good time to change your mood so that you sound appealing. instead of resentful in your communications with them.
2. Smiles and emojis go a long way
When you interact with people you want to get closer to, be sure to smile and not just with your mouth: Making crow’s feet around the eyes is the sign of a genuine smile. Be sure to smile with your eyes. A “smile” emoji in electronic communication is also great.
3. Account for your inaccurate perceptions
Remember, loneliness creates perceptual distortions that make us feel like the people around us care less than they really do. In fact, they care more than we realize. So, as difficult as it is, and it is, to give to others the benefit of doubt and try to make the time you spend with them genuine and fulfilling.
Loneliness can lead to hostility, and that, in turn, can increase our loneliness and make it harder to get out of its clutches. Breaking free of loneliness requires determination, courage, and often a leap of faith, one that we have to take despite our fear of getting hurt because reaching out is the only way to make richer, deeper connections and break out of loneliness. .
Guy Winch, Ph.D., is an internationally renowned psychologist who advocates integrating the science of emotional health into our daily lives. He is the author of the Getting it wrong Doing the right thing Emotional Health Newsletter. More writings and a complete biography of Dr. Winch can be found on their website.
This article was originally published on psychology today. Reprinted by permission of the author.
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